ABBL BLOODBOWL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  Grundar: "Well, here we go again! The ABBL kicks off for a 9th Season and, once again, the powers that be have seen fit to meddle with the rules… What’s wrong with tried and true?! No patience these young races, always rushing off to the next new thing, never giving things enough time to settle down and see how they pan out before recklessly changing everything!"

  Al: "…It’z bin 5 years Grundar…"

  Grundar: "Exactly! Barely enough time to get used to it all."

  Al: "Well, I fink it’z a good fing. Afterorl, dis way, we don’t see der same ol’ taktiks getting’ yoosed orl der time an’ it stops effreefink from getting’ borin’ dun it?"

  Grundar: "But it means we have to start all over again! Brand new teams, brand new rules, I like certainty and stability and this is not it!"

  Al: "We’z got a Dwarf team dis season…"

  Grundar: "… Well, I for one am looking forward to the season ahead! What Division are they in?"

  Al: "Central."

  Grundar: "Right, let’s check them out! Let’s see… Ah, The Stout Lads! A fine team name and they are playing against…"

  Al: "Snotlin’s, Elven Union, Vamps and Gnomes."

  Grundar: "Have you been taking memory enhancement potions?"

  Al: "Noooo……."

  Grundar: "I’ve told you before Al, those things are a slippery slope. Trust me, you don’t want to remember everything, I know."

  Al: "Orl rite, bit creepy. Back to der Preview! Der Central Divishun is back for dis Season, der names of der teams are Caledor Firebolts for der Elves, Trickle-Down Transylvanians for der Vamps, The Mean Greens for der Gnomes an’ Athletico Armi… Armli… Arlimma…"

  Grundar: "Armillaria! Still can’t read then Al? Those are the Snotlings. The Central Division is clearly tied up then, none of those should prove a problem for the Lads, eh?!"

  Al: "I dunno, dese noo roolz give der Snotlin’s a bit of an edge and Elves is orlways a tricky bunch. Dis Division ain’t gonna be an eezy wun to win."

  Grundar: "Well, you would say that! I suppose there’s a Goblin team about to replace the Daylight Gobbery for you to get your grubby mitts all excited over?"

  Al: “Yep! Dey are in der South Division, der Double Skulls & Crossbones."

  Grundar: "Now you’re using ampersands?!"

  Al: “I as bin learnin’ noo stuff innit?"

  Grundar: “I’m watching you Al…"

  Al: “Dey are up agenst a Necromantic Horror team, der Templehof Terrors, a Lizard team, Sunken City Stardrakes, dem Tomb Kings are represented wiv der Red Tomb Raiders and dat Skaven team, der Cheese Weasels is back!"

  Grundar: “By Grungnar, it’s been a while since we’ve seen them in the League! Guess we’ll be seeing plenty of passing from them then! Speaking of passing, we are also seeing a High Elf team for only the second time in ABBL history. The Chracian Wildcats are in the West Division and are rumoured to be planning a new look mid-season so keep your eye out for that. Not that I’m interested at all. Nothing wrong with a good block to settle a game if you ask me. Facing them are the Chaos Chosen of the Callous Cowboys (the only thing worse than worshipping Chaos is not making your mind up which of the Gods you follow. “We follow all of them.” Ha! Cop out!). Dark Elves are here in the form of Black Magic and those Gobsnaperz are back again. Can’t we just ban Greenskins? Oh, and there’s more, the Underworld are represented by Urban Terror, bloody Goblins!”

  Al: “Yooz orlrite Grundar? Got a bit eksited for a mo den.”

  Grundar: “Ahem, I’m fine. Just, point me in the direction of a Division without any Greenskins in it.”

  Al: “Right yooz are! Oh… Dere ain’t wun.”

  Grundar: “Sigh… Fine, what do we have?”

  Al: “Der East sees der return of a team wot many peepul fort shood ‘ave wun it back in Season 5, Dietfurt Destroyers, der Old World Alliance team are avin’ anuvva go. Dey ‘ave got der Norse team, Beerwolf’s Brawlers…”

  Grundar: “Beerwolf? Fine outstanding fellow! One of the only Manlings I’ve met that can actually hold his own in a Dwarven Tavern. Couldn’t drink me under the table of course…”

  Al: “Goes wivout sayin’ Grundar, I’m shore…”

  Grundar: “Watch your tone lad! Who else is in this Division?”

  Al: “D’Orcland Raiders are back for der fird time and do yooz remember Charlotte Fenton from Season 4?”

  Grundar: “The GIT? Yes, quite the striking woman I seem to recall. Didn’t she marry wotsisname from the Bulls?”

  Al: “No, it wos Jurgen Sprinkter from der Destroyers. Which iz gonna make der next wun interestin’ cos she ‘as now got a noo team wot she is runnin, corled Bite Club. I wunda iff Jurgen will be turnin’ up to cheer on ‘is ol’ team?”

  Grundar: “Not if he values his un-life he won’t! To round off the East, we have the Old Forest Ocelots – a bunch of extremely disagreeable women from Amazonia who are likely to upset many this season.”

  Al: “Der larst Divishun to look at is der Norf. We menshunned der Wolfenburg Bulls earlier and dey aff come back for der 6th Season in a row although dey are a new team in all but name now. Joinin’ dem iz annuva Dark Elf team, der Frosthold Falcons and larst season’s finalists, der Mileham Villans ‘av orlso come back but, jus’ like der Bulls, dey are only der same team in name.”

  Grundar: “There are two more teams in the North. Another Amazon team, the Super Vixens (who are much more approachable than those Ocelots!) are bringing some glam to the game and finally, we have a team previously lounging around in the Conference, the Murderface Orgy Screaming Sirens (MOSS), a Chaos Renegade outfit who tend to get rather grumpy about anything they don’t agree with. If it weren’t for their Chaos leanings, I feel I’d get on with them…”

  Al: “Dats orl der Divishuns for dis season. Five of ‘em again wiv 25 teams in total! Dats a lot moor dan we add larst season.”

  Grundar: “It certainly is looking like an action-packed season Al! We just have time to mention the Cup. This season it’s being held in Sylvania with the undead hosting. I’m not entirely sure the facilities are going to be up to scratch in all honesty. I mean, they’re mostly dead aren’t they? Do they know how to even prepare food? They do know we can’t all eat the living don’t they?”

  Al: “Dat is such an ignorant attitude Grundar! Yooz shood be ashamed of yourself! Don’t yooz fink itz ‘ard enuff bein’ dead in der furst place wivowt peepul like yooz makin’ dem feel even moor worse?”

  Grundar: “Oh shut up! They’re dead!! They don’t exactly have all of their mental faculties you know? Literally!”

  Al: “Be dat as it may, yooz better wotch yorself Grundar, sumwun will make a big ol’ fuss abowt dis if yooz ain’t careful.”

  Grundar: “Whatever, you snivelling do-gooder! Who’s looked good in the pre-season friendlies?”

  Al: “Dats a good kweschun Grundar! We aff seen moor Pre-Season Friendlies dan effa dis season wiv 26 bein’ played in orl. A couple of teams aff ‘ad grate starts. Dietfurt ‘aff wun orl free of dere games while a cupple off uvvers aff wun a cupple and drawn anuffa. Der Sunken City Stardrakes, Old Forest Ocelots and Urban Terror are all lookin’ pretty good for der season start. But we orl noze dis don’t mean nuffink wunce der season gets underway!”

  Grundar: “Well, that’s it from us for the pre-season Preview. Season 9 is shaping up to be a good one and I, for one, can confidently say the Dwarves will win it!”

  Al: “Cos dats ‘ow proper punditry works izzit? Gif me strengf Grundar, we orl noze der Gobbo’s ‘ave got dis! Ta-ra yooz lot! Press der buttons below for more about each Divishun, seez yooz orl later!”